Out of the haze

Holy shit, it’s been weeks since I’ve posted. I really don’t have any excuse. Like, what the fuck else have I been doing? HA!

Seriously, I cannot believe Baxter is almost 4 months old already.

So much has happened since my last update on how things are going, I feel like I am coming out of the ‘newborn haze’ now and I’m not finding things so difficult. Our little guy has been sleeping through the night for over a month now. Anywhere from 8 – 10.5 hours so I really can’t complain. He is such a good boy and is in a really good routine which makes my life a million times easier. I’ve been able to work from home again, return to doing the odd photoshoot once Dad is home and actually maintain some form of normality myself. Don’t get me wrong, leaving the house with a baby is still a mission and a half, and to be honest, I don’t think this will change until they’re like 18 – but I’m OK with that. I no longer have this fear of going out in public, if he melts down, I can handle it. I put a lot of my new found confidence down to getting more sleep than 2 hours at a time and being able to function in a better frame of mind. I used to often wonder if it was actually possible to die from sleep deprivation.

I still have days when I think I am not cut out to be a mum, I question every little thing I do, every decision I make and compare myself to others.

I was worried that my blog may be perceived badly by people due to the negative tone of my content but I wouldn’t change any of it, it’s how it was for me. Those early days were fucking hard.

I’ve been quietly struggling a bit lately and and questioning whether I might be suffering from a bit of PND, am going to see my GP next week and have a chat. As somebody who has struggled with mental illness in the past it was something that really worried me throughout my pregnancy. There are good days and bad days, that’s normal. It’s when you start to get consumed by those bad days and it starts to affect other aspects of your life that you need to reach out.

That’s all for now, I have a backlog of work to get through, a house that is in desperate need of a vacuum and a block of chocolate that’s calling my name.

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