Yesterday Reuben informed me that I’m a shouty mum. I honestly didn’t even realize until he said it. When Baxter isn’t listening, my immediate reaction is to raise my voice assuming that will get his attention. It doesn’t. He generally laughs at me now and to be frank, I’ve brought it on myself.
Seeing the bond that’s grown between Reuben and Baxter while I’ve been working has affected me more than I thought it would and more than I would ever openly admit (until now). Baxter will go to Reuben in a heartbeat instead of me. Is it because I sometimes raise my voice? Is it because I am not around as much as he is? Please note, I am in no way blaming Reuben for this. I am just aware of my feelings and some of the reasons I often feel the way I do.
So many things go through my mind like this. I know that so much of what we do now will shape their future and I have to say, I am scared. I don’t want Baxter to be scared of me because I raise my voice on occasion; sometimes it’s the only way I know how to deal with things? Being pregnant, working full time and dealing with work/life stress is really taking its toll on me and now being in the final trimester, I’m finding it extremely difficult to keep a lid on things.
Everybody always reassures you and says, “you’re the mum, he will ALWAYS love you”. I know. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see the bond that’s grown between them, while I am SO happy that they are like they are (it warms my heart) but it still hurts. I want him to look at me the way he looks at Reuben.
I know I am not the one who will feel this way from time to time. The daycare mums, the partners of stay at home dads. All of those they can’t spend as much time there as they’d like too, for whatever their reasons.
The point of this post, I don’t even know. I am feeling bad today for raising my voice several times yesterday, for not being able to control my emotions and for not managing my PND very well. Yes, anger is a common symptom of PND that many don’t realize or talk about. I would never harm myself or my children. EVER. But sometimes I get wound up and I shout.
Does that make me a bad mother?