Second time round I am going into this whole experience with so much more knowledge than when I was pregnant with Baxter and well, knowledge is power – right?

I will not allow myself to feel bullied, judged or pressured into anything. I’ll have my tin of formula in my hospital bag if I’m having issues and my baby is hungry. I won’t question my decision for a moment. I will give breastfeeding a go but I will not allow myself to get consumed by bad feelings, pressure and the potential onset of PND.

I’ve come up with a few points that I need to remind myself when times get tough.

  • Don’t be so hard on me – high expectations often result in disappointment, like the above, be strong, stick to your guns and don’t allow yourself to get pushed around.
  • Accept help when offered, even if they don’t do it the way I do – I am the biggest control freak and I NEVER accept help when asked. It’s just not in my nature, I am always the first to put my hand up to help others but when it comes down to people offering help, I always say no.
  • Have an open mind when it comes to breastfeeding – don’t put so much pressure on me. Same as above. I am sticking to my guns, I know what I want and what I won’t allow. I want my baby to be healthy, happy and not hungry. If it all works out, awesome. If it doesn’t, well I tried.
  • Don’t buy so much shit – so many clothes didn’t get worn with Baxter because I went crazy (everybody does with first babies, right?), at least his sister can rock them. The flip side is because we did buy so much crap for Baxter, we didn’t need to buy too much for his sister.
  • Enjoy those first few weeks – we know it’s going to be shit, so let’s try and enjoy them. It really is scary how quickly those weeks go so embrace the fourth trimester in a haze of sleep deprivation and hormones.
  • Try not to compare them – the births, the kids, everything. They’re two totally different children and will no doubt act it so don’t be disappointed if one doesn’t sleep as good as the other (this is a legit fear as Baxter is the bomb sleeper).
  • Don’t freak out during the adjustment period – Baxter isn’t going to be impressed with the new family member (nor is the cat) so I need to give him time to adjust and come around to the idea that he now has this little bundle to help me protect.
  • Just breathe – it’ll no doubt be a bit shit for a while, but they will love each other eventually, right? Don’t sweat the small stuff, what will be will be.
  • Spread the love – remember to give equal amounts of love to both kids, while the new baby is going to need lots of attention and will be very dependent on me, don’t change how I am and have always been with little B.
  • Don’t feel pressured with visitors – this got me last time, I knew people wanted to meet our new addition but I put a lot of un-needed pressure on myself to keep the house clean and was still finding my way with establishing feeding which didn’t help as I wasn’t comfortable with getting my boob out in front of friends/family in those hazy first few days.
  • Take care of myself – know my limits, you know your own body better than anybody and if things don’t feel right physically or mentally, talk to your midwife or GP. With a history of anxiety/depression and PND with my first, I’ll be kept a close on eye on this time around and I know what to look out for. Don’t be afraid to admit you’re struggling.

I know there will be plenty more that I’ve forgotten about and will learn on my journey to 2 under two (oh my god).

Bare with me while I learn to not lose my mind!

Reuben said to me last night “you need some new content”. The sad thing is, he’s right. Life has been so insanely busy as of late that I really haven’t set aside time to blog as much as I would have liked. I’ll be honest, I’ve set aside NO time. As I’m sure you’ve been able to tell. We’ve had a pregnancy announcement, Christmas, NY, my 30th birthday in less than a week (cue meltdown). I’ve celebrated the 2 year anniversary of this very blog and the Facebook page ticked over 30 THOUSAND followers, I am still in shock. To top it all off?.. the baby is going to be here in 13.5 weeks. OH MY GOD. That is 95 days away. Are we prepared? Um, kind of.

Having a second baby is NOTHING like having your first baby, well this is how its been for me anyway. I was so extremely organised about this time with Baxter. His room was ready and I’d probably moved the furniture around and re-organised everything like 5 times and I was probably packing my hospital bag for the 3rd time. I was petrified about the birth and each week I would remind Reuben “you know the baby is going to be here soon right?” cos men, well. You know.

This pregnancy has been oh so different and I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that its a girl. I have to check the app on my phone to confirm how far along I am when people ask and am only just now starting to really come to terms with the fact that in a few short months, our baby girl will be here and our family will be complete. Yes, no more babies. I know what you’re thinking.. everybody says that no more. But this is what we want. We’re ecstatic to be having one of each and 2 is what we always wanted.

Babies room is nowhere near completed. We’re doing some renovations on the spare room which will end up being Baxter’s new room, and shrimpy will go into Baxter’s current room once she’s graduated out of our room. That is the plan, the room needs to be painted and currently resembles a hoarders living room. As Reuben would say “we have pleeeenty of time”. It’s not doing good things for my anxiety, thats for sure. But I know it will all work out.

Do you know one thing that is really starting to scare me? Freak me out, make me anxious? Its extremely selfish. Really. Baxter has been an amazing sleeper since an early age. We’ve been so so lucky, everybody told us he would stop it eventually and “it won’t last for long” typical buzzkill comments. He hasn’t stopped. He is still sleeping anywhere from 12-15 hours a night. I am not joking, this kid is a mini version of his Dad and he LOVES to sleep. And yes, he has a small day sleep too. I am so scared that the new baby is going to affect his sleeping and that we will all fall apart. Deep down, I know its selfish. Baxter being a good sleeper has really helped my PND because I KNOW that sleep deprivation is a killer, trust me, I did experience it. Those first 3 months were hellish. It actually fucks with your brain and it can be quite dangerous at times. I am genuinely worried that if his sleep gets all out of whack then we will have two not sleeping and how will we cope? Oh poor me you’re probably thinking, but its scares me and triggers my anxiety. I don’t know how I will cope.

I know its going to be tough, we’ve done it before, I know the rough times will pass and you start having good days between the bad days, then good weeks, good months. I am just starting to panic. I know Baxter will change a wee bit with his sister arriving, although he is young. I am sure he will know. He seen me with a friends 9 week old baby a few weeks ago and the look he gave me truly broke my heart. It made me feel like. I had to sneak back into his room later to tell him that I loved him. I felt terrible and I know these feels with flood back soon when I am spreading my love and attention between two.

Every baby is so different and I have no idea what to expect.

I am shit scared that my PND is going to come flooding back in full force. My GP, Midwife and family are amazing. I have a great support system so this shouldn’t be a concern of mine, but it is. After discussions with my GP, Midwife & Reuben we decided it was better for me to remain on my medication throughout this pregnancy. I felt good about the decision until some dip shit pharmacist who filled my prescription scare mongered me and told me it was extremely dangerous for the baby with me being on medication. Who the hell does he think he is? Like I wasn’t in a vulnerable enough state.

Anyway, I am starting to ramble a bit. I haven’t blogged in a while, I start to type and now I can’t seem to stop. Sometimes airing your thoughts and fears make you feel a shit load better. I know it often makes others feel better because they realise their fears are normal.

Thanks to my anterior placenta (I had one with Baxter too), I’ve only felt movements in the last two weeks but it definitely makes it all feel a lot more real.

Life has been hectic but I promise I will blog at least once a week going forward!

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I really wished I’d written notes about my birth earlier as 10 weeks on is not the most ideal time to recollect it, whilst the labor itself feels like a blur now I will do my best to remember the details.

To put things into perspective, my due date was the 28th of August. I was so desperate to get this baby out earlier, if not on my due date. I drunk copious amounts of raspberry leaf tea (which tastes like radiator water), I bounced on the swiss ball till I couldn’t bounce anymore, I curb-walked and I had lots of sex (upon instructions from my midwife) although feeling like a beached whale and having sex was the LAST thing I wanted to do. Ladies, you know exactly what I mean.

As a first time mum, being overdue was like the end of the world, seriously. I was in the mindset that this baby was never coming and that he’d be in there forever.

The 30th of August rolls around and I wake at 5.30am. I felt/heard something weird, I reluctantly put my hands ‘down there’ and felt warm liquid. For a moment there I thought I’d pissed the bed. I couldn’t have been more wrong. My waters had broken, it was not what I’d expected from seeing way to many unrealistic american movies. I managed to save the mess in my bed and made it to the bathroom somehow. I sat on the toilet thinking ‘holy fuck, this is happening’. I woke up my partner and was like ‘um, I think my waters just broke’, we’re both in a panic running around the house yelling ‘he’s coming, he’s coming’. He told me to try get some sleep, um, yeah right. That was not happening. I think I may have drifted off for a very small period of time but my mind simply wouldn’t let me. The day I’d been waiting for was finally here and I was shitting bricks (not literally, but may as well have). As it was so early int he morning we decided to hold off calling the midwife until later that morning (9am). Contractions were quite far apart at that stage and I was still questioning myself as to whether this was the real deal or not. My midwife was off for the weekend (typical, I KNEW it was going to happened on her scheduled weekend off!). Backup midwife told us to come in and get checked out, generally once your waters have gone they check on everything and you are put on IV antibiotics after 12 hours if things are progressing due to the risk of infection. We went in about 3.30pm I think. She questioned whether or not it was actually my waters, I told her I definitely didn’t piss myself so it had to be. I jokingly told her it smelt like semen and not urine (have heard this is strangely normal). She done an internal and confirmed I was 1-2cm dilated and done a stretch and sweep while she was done there which was not the most pleasant of experiences but knew it’d be nothing compared to what was ahead. After we left things felt different, I knew that whatever she’d done had really moved things along. She’d told us to come back at 10pm that night, with all our stuff and expect to be in for the night (and that we wouldn’t be leaving without a baby). If things weren’t to progress, the plan was I’d be hooked up to an IV for antibiotics until things got going.

Not necessary, at 8pm I screamed at my partner from the bathroom to call the midwife and ask if we could come in earlier to which she said yes yes, come in. My contractions were getting closer (don’t even ask how far apart as I can’t remember now) but they were getting more intense. I think contractions really stepped up for me around 6pm (from memory) and just got worse from then on. Having contractions in a moving vehicle is one of the most hideous experiences, sitting at the lights trying my best to slump into my seat so the people next to us couldn’t see me while I was gripping the door panel in the car so hard I was making an indent in the rubber. We were traveling from Lower Hutt into Wellington Hospital as this is where I had chosen to give birth (we lived in the city when we found out I was pregnant). We finally pull into the hospital carpark and sure enough, the fucking lifts lock off at 8pm. I was adamant I was going to give birth in the carpark gripping the pay & display machine. We buzzed L&D and what felt like an hour later (was actually less that 5min) a security guard with a wheelchair arrives in the lift. I’ve never been so happy to see a complete stranger.

We get settled into our room and they do another internal and I was only 4-5cm I think? I was disappointed, with the pain I was feeling I was expecting 10cm! Hah! Sadly no. I remember struggling to find a comfortable position to ride out the contractions. I was on the floor at one stage, on the bed, walking around and spent a majority of my time on the toilet as I constantly felt like I needed to pee (more that I ever did throughout the whole pregnancy). On what was to be my final toilet visit I sat down and ‘WHOOSH’ the most unreal noise and hollywood gush of water, so much so, my partner, the midwife student and midwife all heard it even with the bathroom door closed. I look behind me in the toilet (as you do), it was brown. For a split second I thought holy shit, I just did the most ruthless shit. No, meconium in the waters and I knew that was bad so I went into panic mode instantly. I yelled something along the lines of ‘holllyyyyy fucccckkk I need to push, he’s coming’ and the midwife ran in and helped me off the toilet and onto the bed. I started off labouring on all fours on the bed, I found it so uncomfortable and constantly felt like I was going to shit. This is very normal by the way and was one of my biggest fears. I didn’t, thank god. My partner was AH-MAZING, putting ice cold flannels on my forehead and shoulder blades, within seconds they felt piping hot and I’d yell at him for more cold ones! I finally got my way and was able to swap positions and labour on my back, instantly I felt like all this pushing was actually getting me somewhere! I went into the birth wanting to have no drugs whats so ever and I am so pleased I was able to fulfil my birth plan. How? I have no idea. Sheer determination and the right mindset I think. I recall people telling you about the ring of fire, by god. The feeling/pain down there would resemble somebody holding a blowtorch to your lady bits at close range, on that final push when I actually felt him coming out was the biggest relief I have ever felt in my entire life, I instantly felt a pressure release (duh, a human just came out of my VAGINA!). Don’t get me wrong, the pain was out of this world but the moment they’re out and you hear that first cry, it actually is so worth it (I thought people were crazy when they said this to me). He was straight up onto my chest for skin on skin and was so alert! My partner cut the cord which was amazing as we didn’t think he’d be able too (hates blood etc, and there was plenty of it). Once I thought it was all over I forgot I still had to push the placenta out, thank god its squishy and barely compares to a HUMAN! My poor partner, the midwife said soft push, which I swear I did and the placenta literally shot out, along with a fuck tonne of blood. Apparently there was a small pocket of blood behind the placenta which helped with it’s exit, haha. I thought my other half was going to pass out. It looked a lot worse that it actually was. Upon inspection, it turns out my sac ruptured in two places, hence the two lots of waters I lost. It was definitely reassuring to know I hadn’t pissed myself earlier than morning but a bulk of the waters were lost on the epic toilet visit. To be honest, the hours after this were a blur. I remember my parents coming up to the delivery room to meet the little fella and this was such an awesome moment to watch.

Looking at my pregnancy and delivery records/discharge papers I was in established labour at 8.10pm, admitted at 9.05pm (30th of August), was fully dilated at 11.45pm and gave birth at 12.49am (31st of August). Looking at it that way, it seems so short, but it really didn’t feel that way!

Labour deets (for those who care):

1st stage: 03.35

2nd stage: 01.04

3rd stage: 00.12

He was born happy and healthy weighing 7lb5oz.

I suffered two labial lacerations which required stitches, thank god I received anesthetic as I don’t know how much more I could have taken down there.

Would I do it again? I don’t know, haha. Not anytime soon, but if I was stupid enough to I think I would definitely try for an unmedicated, natural birth again, I felt so empowered afterwards and it was such a good feeling.

Women are amazing, regardless of how they birth – what an experience. Hats off to all your mums out there. The human body is an amazing thing.

birth

I’ve always been a little weary about being too vocal in regards to how shit I’m feeling while I am pregnant. I know there are people out there struggling to conceive or who simply cannot have children so please know this blog is not intended to upset or offend anybody. I’ve seen celebrities and public figures get flamed for expressing how they really feel. Truth is, like me, they’re not out to upset anybody.

This blog was built on MY OWN experiences and HONESTY and that is how it shall remain.

I would never go as far as saying I hate being pregnant, hate is a strong word. I just have a problem with the way it is portrayed in the media and in the movies.

I wish women would be more open and honest when it comes to pregnancy.

For me, pregnancy sucked a bag of dicks.

If you had the perfect pregnancy and enjoyed every moment, I envy you. I turn into a total fucking psycho. Am a bawling mess one minute, completely irrational the next and then in fits of rage within seconds. Hormones, fucking hormones! Sometimes I feel like I need to walk around with an ‘approach with caution’ sign around my neck. I have to bite my tongue while skimming my Facebook feed and seeing the utter bullshit that is often being shared/posted.

Being pregnant IS an exciting time, you’re growing life – you’re going to have a baby! But your body goes ‘fuck you’.

You see, the truth about pregnancy is: every pregnancy is different.  Hence why I wanted to share my experience and thoughts on the topic.

The first trimester took me by surprise, I don’t know if I’m just ignorant, or if no one talks about it openly and honestly. I was tired, so fucking tired – all of the time. In fact, I still am even in the second trimester. Not just tired, exhausted. I am puffing and out of breath from walking up six stairs. I am so light-headed and dizzy ALL of the time, I would often need to just take a moment and sit. I had the worst heartburn with Baxter from probably the 3rd trimester until he was out, nothing helped it and it was so bad to the point I wanted to vomit. My boobs feel like they’ve been injected with quick setting concrete. Don’t even get me started on the excruciating back pain.

Everybody tells you it get better after the first trimester? Mmmm, yeah, I guess – you don’t feel as shit but you still feel pretty shit.

Tired. Exhausted. Sore.

Here’s just a few things I can think of off the top of my head, I know with my current baby brain I will forget a bunch but I will no doubt remember over the coming months:

  • I can’t see my vagina anymore. In fact, I can’t see anything down there and I’m not even sure I want to
  • Your immune system is borderline non-existent, so expect to get sick at least once throughout your pregnancy
  • You will lose all dignity in the delivery room (if not before)
  • Skin tags – I didn’t even know what the fuck these were until I got pregnant
  • Glow? What glow? Yeah, that’s a combination of sweat and my new found oily skin
  • Shaving my legs? Ha, I don’t think so. Everybody down there becomes a scene from Where the Wild Things Are from 30+ weeks
  • Your sense of smell will be through the roof. Reuben just doesn’t get it but I know the rubbish needs to go out as soon as I walk into the house. I can also tell you there is clearly meat in there cos it fucking reeks. Like a fucking blood hound. They should hire pregnant woman at airports
  • You might get itchy skin – by god, under my bra line, at the top of my belly used to get so damn itchy with Baxter it drove me crazy and my doctor thought I was crazy
  • My body temp was all kinds of fucked up, sweaty mess one minute and freezing the next
  • You might get hemorrhoids (I thankfully didn’t)
  • Your feet may swell
  • Your boobs will get huge. I went from a 12C to a 14DD. Even after a small stint of breastfeeding, my tits are still huge in comparison to what they used to be
  • You will crave things – food, sex, weird things
  • You live in the most unflattering clothes for the duration of your pregnancy. Krumping tees and sweatpants are my go-to
  • You will get randoms touching your belly and saying the stupidest shit to you
  • You will gain weight; it’s totally normal so don’t be so hard on yourself
  • You will have gas – by god, ask Reuben, my pregnancy farts are repulsive
  • Discharge – that is all I will say on the matter
  • You will likely want a tonne of sex or none at all
  • The bump doesn’t disappear as soon as baby is out. I wish
  • You will lose friends and gain new ones
  • Bladder control, what bladder control? I have to cross my legs when I sneeze these days after just 1 baby. Kegels smeagals

There you have it. A shitty little pregnancy bible from my point of view. For me, I lost complete control of my body, this little human had completely taken it over and sucked every last little bit of nutrients I had.

Coming into round 2 I am so much better prepared. My body never bounced back after  #1 so how much damage can #2 do?

Would love to hear your additions!

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I’ve just realised I’ve barely made any updates in regards to my second pregnancy aside from the announcement itself. So if you missed it.. yes, I am pregnant (again!). Baby is due in April.

I am currently 17 weeks and this pregnancy has been nothing like the first. I am not sure if that’s just how it is with your second pregnancy or if it’s an indication of gender as some like to say (I wish). I personally am just taking it all as it comes and whatever will be, will be.

People say “oh, do you have a preference?” well, a healthy baby would be great! I would be happy with either, of course, it’d be nice to have a girl so we have one of each as this is it for us. We’ve talked long and hard about this, it is what WE want. We always wanted to have the 2 in close succession while things are still fresh for us and we can re-use things of Baxters. We’re still in that baby mentality and remember (very vividly) what it is like to have a newborn so for us, it’s easier to have #2 now and ‘get it over with’ so to speak. They’ll be about 19m apart and that’s a great gap for us plus it means they’ll hopefully grow up to be the best of friends.

I am finding with this pregnancy, I don’t have that much time on my hands to think about it and dwell on things. I am somewhat mentally prepared from the first. I know the pregnancy is going to be a bit shit and the whole birth part, well, it hurts like fuck but the pain is only temporary and the outcome is SO worth it. Working full time, running the blog and having Baxter to run around after keeps me pretty busy, I often need to refer to a phone app to tell me how many weeks I am. Baxter stays home with Reuben these days so that definitely takes some pressure off but even the most menial of tasks are a bloody mission these days because I am just so damn tired all the time. The bump appeared much earlier than last time, they say this is pretty normal also. I am concerned just how big I am going to get – haha.

I am lucky to not have had a bad run with morning sickness, I’ve definitely experienced my fair share of nausea which was somewhat similar to my pregnancy with Baxter.

I looked into coming off my PND medication but after thorough discussions with my fiancee, midwife and GP, we all decided it was best for my mental health to stay on them. They’re no risk to the baby and why change if it’s working for me right now? The weeks of weaning off them were fucking horrific and I am kicking myself for even attempting it, I wasn’t ready but thought it was best. It wasn’t. Sometimes it’s OK to admit defeat and admit that things aren’t OK.

Does Baxter know mummy has a baby in her tummy? Nope, I think he is still just too young (14m). I have told him and on the odd occasion he will put his hand on my belly but he gets more of a kick off sticking his grubby fingers in my belly button, lol.

I totally watched the clock with Baxter and now I simply don’t have the time and it’s scary to think in just 3 weeks we’ll be at the half way point!

 

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Photo taken at 16 weeks